I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for 5¢ a piece.

I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each.

I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200.

I like monkeys.


I took my 200 monkeys home.

I have a big car.

I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded.

In fact, none of them were really bright.

They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals.

I stopped laughing.


I herded them into my room.

They didn't adapt very well to their new environment.

They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.

Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died.

No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.

Damn cheap monkeys.


I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.

It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.


I tried to flush one down the toilet.

It didn't work. It got stuck.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.


I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals.

That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose.

It started to smell real bad.


I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber.

I was embarrassed.


I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.

Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds.

I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.


I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable.

I had to extinguish the fire.


Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom.

I severely beat one of my monkeys.

I felt better.


I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates.

I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either.

I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.


I finally arrived at a solution.

I gave them out as Christmas gifts.

My friends didn't know quite what to say.

They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying.

Ingrates.


So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys

any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com

i would like to point out that these days it takes a lot to make me laugh out loud. especially stuff on the internet because it all kinda sounds the same. but this slays me. i was at work and i had to think about multiple kittens dying and bleeding all over a perfectly good steak in order to focus on something sad enough to keep myself from laughing. i knew that would be trouble if i did. so here it is. the whole site is funny....but this one, the commentary is hilarious.

and yes, it is about the infamous Camel-Toe


Par Four Toe
Toe Factor: 8 (with a 2 handicap for the far right one)
Seen: Pebble, Nantucket Golf, Winged Foot, Pinehurst

We were told that this photo was taken at a charity golf tournament. Where does one find courses with trashy women such as these? Portland, Oregon? The one on the left is sassy, and exudes confidence that she could make you beg for mercy. The 2nd from the left has a nice toe. But something tells me she has used her company's mental health plan more than they had hoped. The guy has that " I am going to regret this picture" look. The red bikini woman is a poor man's Phoebe Cates. But that is OK. The woman on the far right is a broomstick short of being burned in Salem, Mass. She looks like she just finished her first pack of Newport Lights, and is ready to reload. These women should enjoy what little remains of their misspent youths. Cause ten years from now, the only lasting vestige of those years will be the tattoos and the nicotine addiction. Wow. That sounded harsh, even for me.




any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com

and this is why you do crazy things.....because you are in love









just pointed in the right direction this time....
any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com

the moth in the smoke ring
the effortless encounter
the slightest breeze
a light beat of the wings
order and perfection are reduced to regulated chaos
once a beautiful circle floating on air
now trails drifting to the street light
flowing without perceivable order
appearing illogical, irrational
beyond the realm of comprehension,
there lies the order
an unseen structure
making all smoke rise differently
but the same every time



any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com

the only appropriate response is to praise you:


when i consider your heavens, the work of your fingers,
the moon and stars, which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?
You have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. Psalm 8:3-5

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun, which is like a brodegroom coming forth from his pavilion, like a champion rejoicing to run his course. Psalm 19:1-5

Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples.
For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods.
For all the gods of the nations are idols, but the Lord made the heavens. Psalm 96:3-5

Praise him, sun and moon, praise him, all you shining stars.
Praise him, you highest heavens and you waters above the skies.
Let them praise the name of the Lord, for he commanded and they were created. Psalm 148:3-5


if i dont proclaim his glory, the rocks will cry out....


any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com

it's the sense of touch.

i think we miss that touch so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something.


any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com

i might go see "Just Like Heaven" solely to see Jon Heder execute this line:

"I'm like 99.9% parched here. I could really use a cola."


hilarious. the rest of the movie would probably make me want to punch myself in the face. whatever. reese is still hot.

any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com

awesome lyrics of the day:

I rock a lawsuit when I’m going to court
A white suit when I’m gettin’ divorced
A black suit at the funeral home
And my birthday suit when I’m home alone
Talkin’ on the phone

so true...
any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com

and the desire/discipline to post on my blog waxes and wanes....we are at a high point apparently.

dont feel like you have to read through the lecture/sermon below. i know it is long. i dont know what happened today....i guess my brain was really full and i had been thinking about a lot of things all weekend.

i guess that is what happens when you get to sit by the pool and relax. i'll have to remember that.


any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com

Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things. Every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

-Albert Einstein


this touches on something i have been thinking about a lot lately, ever since Hurricane Katrina started threatening the Gulf Coast. Not that AE and I think alike all the time, but I think we are on the same page on this one, I just want to put a slightly different spin on it.

What more can we do to defend ourselves against a natural disaster or any other catastrophe, for that matter? Where are our scientists, engineers, mathmeticians, and doctors? Can't we reason our way through this? Can't the power of the mind conquer all? If we only work harder, we will come up with the answer, we will be able to solve it, we will be able to protect ourselves from such things. Science and reason and rationality and innovation; these are all we need. Isn't that what Alexander Pope and Denis Diderot were trying to convince the world of? Has it not worked rather magnificently? Yet, I cannot help but step back and look out and look up.

My response is, wow. Awesome. And this is not to be taken lightly, this is not to be sniggered at, AWEsome. I am not some stoned hippy or teenage skater-punk or a sun-baked surfer, and certainly not a turtle with amazing ninja powers mutated from the cesspools of New York's sewer system. I mean awesome in the true meaning of the word. I am being filled with awe. i am speachless. This is why the words awesome and awful come from the same root word. The TRUE meaning of these words has been lost amid middle schoolers throwing comments back and forth about how a movie, or hair style or a hot dog (thank you Eddie Izzard) are awesome. NO. they are not awesome. you would not be able to fathom life or comprehend existence or force yourself to speak of such a thing. it would render you speechless, in a state of awe.
Here are two of the dictionary definitions of awful, a word which has been used to describe the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina: (emphasis added)
4: inspired by a feeling of fearful wonderment or reverence; "awed by the silence"; "awful worshippers with bowed heads" [syn: awed] 5: inspiring awe or admiration or wonder; "New York is an amazing city"; "the Grand Canyon is an awe-inspiring sight"; "the awesome complexity of the universe"; "this sea, whose gently awful stirrings seem to speak of some hidden soul beneath"- Melville;

where is the true sense of awe? why have we lost that? why do we continue to fight with our minds, bull-headed and stubborn? look around you. your own fingerprint, a snowflake, a pupil, the way water flows over rocks or up on the shore, the way smoke rises. All connected in similarity, not random. Similar, but not identical. Created with a design, but also with individuality.
Look at the universe. It is beyond our ability to comprehend how massive it is. It is awesome. How can one truly grasp its size and expanse? Yet we are not filled with wonder and awe by any of these things. We pass them by, ignore them, and go about our busy lives.

God is awesome and so is all that he created. in the true sense of the word. i should be trembling out of reverence and awe every time i think of Him, every time i step out the door and see dew on my car and the rays of the sun break through the leaves on an oak tree. He did this, He created all of this. the power and might and sheer size of my God is unfathomable. it is truly awesome.

my point is that God is immeasurably powerful and holy. he creates storms that cause millions and billions of dollars of damage. look at the thunder and lightning, tornados, volcanoes, earthquakes, tsunamis.... creation bears witness to the awesome nature of its creator. it is not out of chaos, it is not uncontrolled mayhem. it is awesome and it should be seen as such. i have loved the feeling i have gotten (even this summer) when there is a huge thunderstorm and i am actually scared (at age 22) or when a massive wave has tossed me about and spat me up on the shore or seeing the magnitude of the Rockies or the Alps. Because at that point, my pride is stripped away and I am in awe. A feeling of fearful wonderment or reverence...inspiring awe or admiration or wonder... At that point, I see that I am small and i am weak and I am nothing in comparison to the power of the Lord of the Universe. Nothing i can build or invent or design will ever compare or protect or defend against the power of God's creation. Is God bearing down on the human race with wrath? No, I don't think so. I know He is in complete control and He is trying to get our attention. Make us snap out of our haughtiness and pride and humble ourselves before our Creator. Hurricane Katrina was awesome, the damage she brought was awful....but it has filled me with awe nonetheless. Not anger, I am not angry at God and I don't think we should be.
I am not talking about the chaos that ensued in the primitive conditions those people were living in. I am not talking about that. That truly was sad and depressing as a member of the human race to watch us revert to that kind of behavior when backed into a corner and isolated from help. I am not saying it isnt human nature, I just think we are not reminded of it enough, so it was even more shocking.

Bill Warrick's message on Sunday hit me when he was talking about the aftermath of Katrina and all the people going on national television to talk about it. he said he happened to flip to one channel where there was quite an argument raging between an atheist, a baptist, and scientologist i believe. Why would God do this to those people in New Orleans? Isn't he supposed to be loving? The baptist was giving Sunday School answers, stepping around the issue. Finally, it was the atheist, out of all of them who said (in a thick bayou-region accent) "It don't matter. God can do what he want. He God."

She is right. What can our response be but awe and reverence? He is God. He is in control. He is holy and unfathomably powerful. God can do what he want.

dont think that i have been extremely depressed recently or pessimistic, but i was thinking about how i would be ok with dying in a massive hurricane, or tornado, blizzard, avalanche, tsunami...etc. I would feel an inkling of God's true power manifested on earth through nature. surfing a hurricane? sounds awesome, in the true meaning of the word. i would be rendered speechless.

so to conclude, i will let some verses and quotes do the rest of the talking for me:

"Do not deceive yourselves. If any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a "fool" so that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God's sight. " 1 Cor. 3:18-19

"To the LORD your God belong the heavens, even the highest heavens, the earth and everything in it." Deut. 10:14

"The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it...Who may ascend the hill of the LORD ? Who may stand in his holy place?" Ps 24:1,3

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." Proverbs 9:10 (also Job 28:28, Proverbs 1:7, Ps 111:10)

I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details - AE

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts - AE

I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice - AE

God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically. - AE

Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal. - AE

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind. - AE

Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust - we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper. - AE

Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind - AE


many of those close to Einstein said he would talk about God constantly while not publicly profession affiliation with any religion. They would say they thought he was a theologian in disguise, not a scientist or mathmetician. My theory is summed up in the last quote i added. He pursued science to explain things without the help of God. the further he got, the more he pushed deeper and deeper, the more struck with awe he was. Religion as a whole, or Christians specifically, cannot truly understand who they are worshipping outside of the realm of science. science contributes to faith instead of detracting. 150 mph winds, 20 foot storm surge, massive tsunamis, sunspots, or our very own DNA. They all point to the awesome nature of God, the cosmic Creator.

just think about it.....it makes you see things differently.


any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com

a little view into Dan Belen:

it has come to my attention that more people are reading this blog than i thought were, a few in particular which were very surprising...in spite of all this (not that it is a bad thing, of course) i have decided to share the results of my DiSC Biblical Personality Profile. For those of you who aren't familiar with all the different psychological tests and surveys that are used by employers to determine what kind of personality you have, DiSC is one of the most popular ones. It is a very good system. i hadn't taken one for real until about halfway through July when I had to take one for my application process for a job at the Chapel. To be honest, even though i know how it works and normally i would try to out-smart it and answer the questions in such a way as to get the result i would like, i answered all the questions honestly (i mean it was an application for a job at a church) and the results were incredibly accurate.

i know for at least some of you, this will not be a surprise, you already knew all these things about me. for others, welcome to the Dan Belen Show.

Results:

Appraiser Pattern

Emotions: is driven to look good

Goal: "victory" with flair

Judges others by: ability to initiate activities

Influences others by: competitive recognition

Value to the organization: accomplishes goals with the team

Overuses: authority; ingenuity

Under pressure: becomes restless, critical, impatient

Fears: "loss" or "failure"; others' disapproval

Would increase effectiveness with: individual follow-through; empathy when showing disapproval; steadier pace

Positive Biblical Role Model: David

Explanation: Appraisers have an expansive enthusiasm and the ability to inspire others for a cause. Instead of giving orders, they seem to draw people alongside. We see David, an Appraiser, do this when he enlists the aid of his followers in obtaining 200 Philistine foreskins to satisfy the dowry demand for Michal, Appraisers are not intimidated by aggressive people, but they reserve admiration for those who show style, charm, and flair. David's responsiveness to Abigail is an example of an Appraiser's esteem and appreciation. Appraisers frequently have a bent towards the arts...Under pressure, Appraisers are susceptible to temptation and often use their assertiveness to obtain what might be better left alone. We see this when David pursued Bathsheba and then suffered the consequences...


now, of course, this is highly personal information and a confidential report only seen by those involved in the hiring process. but i know some might enjoy a little peek into my life and what is behind the curtain. for those who already think they know me, this may confirm that or maybe remind you that "the heart of man is like deep water" (prov. 20:5) and to believe that as being one of the people that knows someone the best, you are capable of actually knowing them. at least until they let you know them to the fullest extent possible.

anyways. i decided to share. take it for what you will.
any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com

in spite of the comments already made regarding the film, i feel obligated to recap some of my favourite moments from last night's highly-anticipated film:

TOMMY: Big time. Absolutely fucking radge. 'It's me or Iggy Pop, time to decide.'

SPUD: So what's it going to be?

TOMMY: Well, I've paid for the ticket.


RENTON: Christ, I haven't felt that good since Archie Gemmill scored against Holland in 1978.


Some people hate the English, but I don't. They're just wankers. We, on the other hand, are colonized by wankers. We can't even pick a decent culture to be colonized by. We are ruled by effete arseholes. It's a shite state of affairs and all the fresh air in the world will not make any fucking difference.


Because no matter how much you stash or how much you steal, you never have enough.


...and one bottle of Valium, which I have already procured, from my mother, who is, in her own domestic and socially acceptable way, also a drug addict.


I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who need reasons when you've got heroin?


At or around this time, Spud, Sick Boy, and I made a healthy, informed, democratic decision to get back on heroin as soon as possible


"Sick Boy's always been lacking in moral fiber."
"He knows a lot about Sean Connery."
"That's hardly a substitute."




now all that is left to do is decide what will be the next must-see film. hmm.
any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a f*cking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suit on hire purchase in a range of f*cking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing f*cking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, f*cked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?

I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who need reasons when you've got heroin?

We took morphine, diamorphine, cyclozine, codeine, temazepam, nitrezepam, phenobarbitone, sodium amytal dextropropoxyphene, methadone, nalbuphine, pethidine, pentazocine, buprenorphine, dextromoramide chlormethiazole. The streets are awash with drugs that you can have for unhappiness and pain, and we took them all. F*ck it, we would have injected Vitamin C if only they'd made it illegal.

So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers, all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person, but that's going to change, I'm going to change. This is the last of this sort of thing. I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm going to be just like you: the job, the family, the f*cking big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisurewear, luggage, three-piece suit, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead, to the day you die.



any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com

more stuff that doesnt fit in my profile:

Theres nothing left to be said
Its all been spoken
In spite of words you couldn't find for me
I guess you came out ahead
Now I'm broken into a man ashamed to show his face
Walkin away seemed so easy for you
So why's it gotta be so hard for me
To see that its over when for so long love was just you and me

It's all for nothing if you don't have freedom...
It is for freedom that you have been set free....

outlawed tunes on outlawed pipes

I haven't felt that good since Archie Gemmill scored against Holland in 1978.

any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com

awwww! look mom, it's Warricks!

any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com

im dying to know
do you like dreaming of things
so impossible
or only the practical
or ever the wild

waiting through all your bad, bad days just to end them with someone you care about

do you like making out and long drives and brown eyes and guys that just dont quite fit in

yeah. do you like them?

any and all comments or responses are welcome at boofydb@yahoo.com