sometimes im a liar
sometimes im a fake
sometimes im a hypocrite everybody hates
sometimes im a poet
sometimes im a preacher
sometimes i watch life go by sitting in the bleachers

there were times when things were dark
and ive been known to miss the mark
but someone fixed my aim


i want to hate you
i need to dislike you
i would love to distance you
it would be great to disappear
run away
never return
never speak again
but i cant do that

it would be a way of dealing with the situation
maybe if i ignore you
act like we never met
act like you dont still have my heart
as if you were just another girl
i happened to meet
with sand in my shoes

maybe then i wouldnt care
maybe then i wouldnt churn with anger and pain
but i cant
i cant hate you
and i cant love you
He has given me a peace that i cant fathom

it clearly is not of me
otherwise i would be filled with anger and pain
and hatred

so the truth
it would hurt less and would be easier if i could just move on
pretend to hate you, never talk to you,
ignore and avoid you as much as possible
completely supress and neglect those emotions and feelings
i have done it for so long, it wouldnt be too foreign to do it once again
and as before, let those feelings build up and boil and fester until they explode
it may be next year, it may be five years from now

i feel this is what God is helping me with
somehow he is showing me the right way to go about this
i cant express it
and i dont have the words to express it
i dont want to talk about it right now

just know that no matter how much i wanted to totally take you out of my life, it isnt possible and God isnt letting me do that either, for whatever reason. i still dont know how to act around you. it still hurts. so many times thoughts flash through my mind, i see or hear something that reminds me of you, i look through pictures or i read your words written on purple paper with a vision of my future. so many times i break inside. i cant even pour out all that i feel because i dont know where to point the valve.

there are so many things i want to tell you
so many things i want to share
so many questions
so much confusion and pain and anger
all of which is being healed

God is so great
and i am not

this is so hard
i just want to scream
but i will just shake my head
and return to prayer
that's the only way things will get better

but i dont hate you
and as tempting as it has been
and as much as i wanted to
i didnt intend to stop talking to you when i found out
at least not forever
like i told you a long time ago:
"i might get mad at you, but i can't hate you"
at one time i didnt even think the former was possible
but...
as Chris says:
"My heart is yours to fill or burst or break or bury or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer."

"When once we get intimate with Jesus we are never lonely, we never need sympathy, we can pour out all the time without being pathetic."
"When God gets us alone by...heartbreak...disappointment...a broken friendship...then He begins to expound."
-Oswald Chambers

He follows us, pursues us, draws us to Himself so he can forgive us and we can glorify Him. This is His desire for us.


hate is a strong word
so is goodbye



any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu