Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

I'm singing hold me Jesus 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

-Rich Mullins


any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
-Alexander Graham Bell

Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.
-Elanor Roosevelt

The true call of a Christian is not to do extraordinary things, but to do ordinary things in an extraordinary way.
-Dean Stanley



any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

tonight i feel ambitious and so does my foot as it sinks on the pedal. i press it to the floor.
i dont need a girl, dont need a friend, cause my friend lonesome is unconditional.

the recommended speed for the ramp on this exit is 25.
let's see how fast we can hit it without crashing...

ill take the long way home, but just drive it faster


remember when it rained...

just leave me alone and maybe i will work things out for myself




any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

and at this point i suppose it would be best to keep all these thoughts and feelings in my head. ive done it before and i can do it again. some things just shouldnt be said, or wouldnt help if they were said. they just make it harder. and apparently the therapeutic benefit of this venue for communication may be too public and shouldnt be used. so, i guess for now all the thoughts and feelings and inner turmoil will stay there, inside. only to spill out on paper or through prayer or possibly, but hopefully not, in a moment of frustration or passion. so until further notice, this blog is no longer a location for venting and purging.

emotional isolationism yet again.

there was a good reason i lived this way in the past, maybe it would be better to go back to that. maybe that will help.

whateva, im out.




any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

phrase of the moment: "just leave me alone"

so long sweet summer




any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

pain is weakness leaving the body
then are tears weakness in liquid form?

im sick of cookie cutter sunday school answers
im sick of being let down
im sick of not knowing what to do
im sick of being here
im sick of not having anywhere else to go

im tired of all of this

the sad thing is that i dont care anymore. the more i think about it, the more it pisses me off. the more im surrounded by it, the more i cant stand it.

temptation strikes deep and early.
apathy and loneliness makes his voice sound sweet
just get off me
leave me alone


but dont
ive been alone too long





any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

oh Lord, help me
i feel like i have nowhere else to turn

grrrrrr


whateva





any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

i am in the process of making a list of the 100 greatest films of all times. this is not necessarily just movies that i like, but films that i feel are well-done, have had a social impact and influence and are entertaining to watch. the current stage is thinking of all the top movies that i can think of and then prioritizing them after the list is compiled. i would appreciate any and all input. just let me know what some of your favourite movies or films are. whether it is top five, ten or fifteen, that would be helpful to hear other opinions and help remind me of movies that i had overlooked. they can be from any genre, drama, comedy, action, etc... dont get too stressed out about this and dont feel like you really need to have them in correct order because chances are that i have either thought of it already or that i may slightly disagree with the value given to it. part of this is to see what movies i really must see in order to make this decision. i hope to finish this over break....but we will see. i will post my results on my blog when they are ready.

thanks again.



any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

the lancaster market is as incredible as ever. wonderful day amid the hustle and bustle and motion. a different kind of hustle and bustle though, a kind that was a welcome respite from the northern virginia collective insanity.

new voice blessed by God: Amy Banks
-Amazing Grace
-Swing Low, Sweet Chariots
-He Keeps an eye on the Sparrows

Matt. 6:22-34; Luke 12:22-34
A good reason to not get worried about what im going to do for the rest of my life. how i will provide for myself or others that are put under my care. that is the wrong mindset. it shouldnt matter. while pursuing him, he will set our path straight and he will direct our footsteps to His glory and according to his will. we dont need to know where that will be or when it will happen, we just need to know that He does know and he is taking care of it. let go of the railing, step out and walk leaning on Him and not on the trappings of this world.


pursue the kingdom and heaven and his righteousness
believe in his power, trust his providence

there is thunder in his footsteps and lightning in his fists



any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

its amazing that i was able to sleep last night
not riddled with the painful thoughts and nightmares i had already experienced
being without you is pain enough, hardly bearable
but for you to be gone is a pain i cannot fathom
it is an event which would destroy me
at least at this point

i am learning to let go
i am learning to move on
i am learning what it means to have a life of my own
and live for the desires and needs of one and not two
yet it cannot be ignored, i have not let go
and until i do, those thoughts will still bring me to tears

the shower head coats me in water
the waves flow and join as streams in a delta
their volume is augmented
fresh tears meet the streams to form rivers

what would i say?
how can one measure that level of denial?
no one could accept that
yet it is not just the event and the pain,
it is the situation's current state that would make it the hardest
would you even want me to be there?
would i be the one you would want them to call as you struggle?
i pray your answer is yes

more so i pray that day does not come soon
i pray that when it does i wont have to fight for words
i wont have to explain how i feel
and what im thinking
and all that you have meant to me
all that you have done in my life
when that day comes, i pray that you can know what i want to say
because i have said it before
in word and deed
and all that is necessary at that point
is to hear what my eyes are saying



Lord, make this easier. please.







any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

A man's spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear? Prov. 18:14

No discipline seems pleasant at the taime, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11

Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst. but for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience. 1 Timothy 1:15-16

even though i should be studying and i have my last exam today that i want to do well in so that i can have a good GPA in general, but specifically in my major so that i can be happy with myself and live up to my parent's expectations for me and make them direct attention at me since im the middle child and eternally am striving to catch up or outdo what has already been done......but instead i decided to sleep in and then spend some time talking to my Creator and reading His word. He is always there and always faithful. Lots of good words today as always.

Filled up.

Dont care about this exam....


Philemon 4




any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

ok the things that are really cool about Macs just keep getting cooler. Rendezvous is now the coolest thing ever. iTunes is also the coolest thing ever. and by cool i mean totally sweet and awesome.

also retarded animal babies. i know i shouldnt be laughing at that, but wow, it cracks me up. and not just at 3am when i havent gotten any sleep.






any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

give it a whirl girl
be like the squirrel


how the heck am i supposed to concentrate on studying for these exams (i have one in an hour!!!) in the library if there is so much freaking construction noise!!! yes the new wings of the library are really nice and great and wonderful. and yes we are huge nerds for getting so excited that our library has been expanded and it is a new fun place to study more....getting excited about studying more? wow, there is something wrong with this place. but my point is that they arent going to finish the first floor before thursday when exams are over, so why dont they wait a couple days until all the students are done with exams and dont have to study anymore? isnt there supposed to be a stereotype of silence in the library? how are the people who run the library itself the ones who violate this? grrrrrr i just want to get out of here


and i will give you rest


any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

But my hand was made strong
By the hand of the almighty
We forward in this generation
Triumphantly
All I ever had, is songs of freedom
Won't you help to sing, these songs of freedom
Cause all I ever had, redemption songs


so tired of it all
my eyes are weary
they droop from exhaustion
sag from sadness
sleep is a temporary solution

doing good brings happiness. unfortunately it is so easily stolen; so quickly vanished and youre left with what you've always had. yourself. alone.

yet not alone.

falling on you once again. I'm glad youre always there.

do you not know, have you not heard, the Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth, he does not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom; he gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak; even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord shall renew their strength; they will soar on wings, wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint.


Behold!
He Comes!
Riding on the clouds!
Shining like the sun,
At the trumpet call
Lift your voice!
It's the year of Jubilee
And out of Zion's hill
Salvation comes



keep it up El Shaddai, you're always on top of everything


any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

a voice from the past spoke to me tonight
a voice still in existence
just not one i hear

echoes of a past life
so distant now
talk of healing and fixing
should have fixed it then

without honesty there can be no trust
trust is the key to love

and as the sweet tones
carried electrically
amplified in my ear
my heart broke

and tears on the other end
forced my eyes to leak




handy helper

as Christ loved the Church

MOG in training

still on the potter's wheel




any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

wow, God. man you were right again. yes the Christian music industry does have a purpose and benefitial place in society. not just entertainment. I dont think i'm the only one He convicts and moves using Christian music. if i am, I'm ok with that too. Just dont stop.

Jars of Clay- "Whatever she wants"

wow



Josh. 1:7-9




any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

every step hesitates
my mind races to simulate
i want to be ready
i want to have it planned
what will i say
what will i do
a campus of eggshells
not a peaceful place to walk
or live

therefore to hibernation
in anxiety and distress



yeah whateva...




any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

a walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises and i don't believe that i'm getting any better.

and nobody cares at all, and nobody cares at all. so you buried all your lover's clothes and burned the letters lover wrote, but it doesn't make it any better. does it make it any better?

which of the bold faced lies will we use? i hope that you're happy, you really deserve it, this will be best for us both in the end. but your taste still lingers on my lips like i just placed them upon yours and i starve for you. but this new diet's liquid and dulling to the senses. and it's crude but it will do. which of the standard lines will we use? i've been meaning to call you. i've just been so busy. we'll catch up soon. let's make it a point to. but your taste still lingers on my lips like i just placed them upon yours and i starve for you. but this new diet's liquid and dulling to the senses. and it's crude but it will do.

buried deep as you can dig inside yourself and hidden in the public eye such a stellar monument to loneliness.

and you say take this. this medicine is just what you deserve. swallow, choke, and die. and this bitter pill is leaving you with such an angry mouth. one that's void of all discretion such an awful tearing sound. with its measure only equaled by the power of my stare glaring over you and over you this feeling of despair is never wearing out. it's wearing off and its leaving you with such a heavy heart and a head to match.

once again......thanks chris

i think they should bottle the smell of Swem. then it could either be a stress-inducing concoction or it could be an olfactory associative stimulus which encourages you to study and focus.

In my life all the strife is getting in the way
Frankly I did not plan on getting hurt today
-Downhere

yeah whateva....






any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

Lord Byron speaks with such passion and grace. He has been through it. He knows what he is talking about. finding solace in the stacks of Swem. Apparently the only way to freedom is to Swem.

My days are in the yellow leaf;
The flowers and fruits of Love are gone;
The worm, the canker and the grief
Are mine alone!

We madly smile when we should groan;
Delirium is our best deceiver.

Time tempers Love, but not removes,
more hallowed when its Hope is flad:
Oh! What are thousand living loves
To that which cannot quit the dead?

My boat is on the shore,
And my bark is on the sea...

Here's a sigh to those who love me,
And a smile to those who hate me...



there are a couple things that i'd like to know....



i despise my own behaviour

im still a man in need of a saviour




any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

my voice is gone
been screaming at the steering wheel
545 miles later, some answers are there
still missing the big picture
still hurting
as the car seat soaks up the tears
and my dashboard is the best listener
im thankful for my loving passenger
that only i can see

to go back to where i was would just be wrong
im pressing on


MOG in training





any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

yet again a great song that speaks right to me and reminds me where i am and where i need to be: "Rest Easy" by Audio Adrenaline

I am such a sinner I fear my evil ways
I fear my imperfection I fear my final days
I just want to take control and snap this rusty chain
drop my heavy burden it seems to be in vain

I am not a bold man even though I want to be
I am just a dreamer with a timid history
Scared of confrontations I fume all through the night
the world has it's hold on me and I just want to fly
The sky, the sky is open wide
but I can't fly 'til I step aside

Rest easy
have no fear
I love you perfectly
love drives out fear
I'll take your burden
you take My grace
Rest easy
in My embrace


And "Lead of Love" by Caedmon's Call

Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight

Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee


And "Love Alone" by Caedmon's Call too....

No one would love me
if they knew all the things I hide
My words fall to the floor
As tears drip through the telephone line

Give me your hand to hold
'Cause I can't stand to love alone
And love alone is not enough to hold us up
We've got to touch your robe


thanks El Ohim, you're my dawg...



any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

Eve 6 speaks more truth and more applicably than I ever thought possible.


Therefore: Songs of the Moment

"On the roof again", "Sunset strip bitch", "Here's to the night", "Amphetamines", "Nightmare", and "Girl eyes"
from Eve 6 album Horrorscope

sigh.....not all the lyrics apply and they dont apply directly, but it was nice to hear someone thinking the same things, struggling with the same things and even having a worse time at it than myself.

anyways....lots of stuff is going on. its making it really hard to study. being home is part of it. but not having a home is the real problem. so much of the past three years, school has been my home and i havent really wanted to come back to northern va. and yet during the most stressful time of the semester i come home in order to try to get away from things instead of the other way around. im just not used to dreading going back to school. i mean yes i have never been a huge fan of all the studying and everything, but there has always been a reason for me to get excited to be back at school and enjoy myself there. now that it is gone, where is my home? it isnt here. it isnt there.

as much as im sure someone would love to be like oh it doesnt matter you should have your foundation in God and that will make everything better. yes, a foundation and trust in Him will make things better and make things go smoother. but are you ignoring the emphasis that God himself put on the family and home throughout the Torah and OT? clearly he realizes that is a key to our survival and sanity on this earth. so having no home, no shelter, no love, no caring.....where am i supposed to go? maybe ill just get back in my car and drive some more. it seems to be the only place i can relax and think and pray and cry and cry out for help.

that is sad if its true. what does that say about me? what does that say about the state my soul and spirit are in right now? sad.

studying about attachment in infants, children, adolescents and adults isnt helping either. i really am getting the psychology student syndrome. the more i prepare for this test, the more i feel like i suck at life and have screwed everything up. or maybe everything was screwed up for me before i could do anything about it.

mostly, im not retaining any of this information, it is just directing my mind to go on tangents and think about how it applies to my life and how messed up i am and not focusing on transferring the encoded information from the short-term memory store to the archival long-term memory store. sigh.....

not that subliminal pressure and disappointment are helping the situation any...

ok, back to studying and stressing and freaking out.....sigh....

"repeat the words 'you're not alone' three times and hit the light..."




any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

too many questions that need answers.

too many problems that need to be solved.

too much stress, must be alleviated.

all of this happening at once. i just cant take it. i need to get away.

to much pressure, too much stress, too much frustration, too much pain and sadness.
not enough love.

on the verge of a mental breakdown. therefore i had to leave. i had to get away. take some time to myself to get out of the situation and think for a little bit. see what other people have to say or what they think.
a long drive filled with contemplation, nostalgia, and sadness. but it was good. being by myself and spending time with the best therapist i've ever been to: me. with his trusty assistant: my car.
things are definitely not all figured out and im still not sure where to go from here. I need to spend some more time in God's book while im home and not just in academic books. studying and cramming is of some value. that is the stage in life that i find myself in. but studying God's word, getting to know him better, that will lead to me being able to taste and approve what His will is, His good, perfect and pleasing will. to find out what im supposed to do with my life, i need to get to know the one who is basically in control of my life. he is in charge. its not about me. its not about her. its about my friendship and relationship with the God of the Universe who sought after me and begun a good work in me. he will follow it to its completion if i am willing to give it up to him. this is my focus. everything else is useless and futile, mere distractions from what is important.


becoming MOG = my goal





any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

i am the one who has been forgiven much
i am the one who you love much

of a child-like faith
of an honest praise
and of my unashamed love

i looked up to Him and said break me
i said take this pride, humble me

and He said to me "I am the one you are singing to. I am the one you are worshipping. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU! Give this up to me and I will give you peace, I will give you rest from your pain and confusion. You are singing to me. There is no one around, you stand before me. It is not about you, it is not about her, it is not about anyone around you. It is about ME. WILL YOU GLORIFY ME OR YOURSELF? I gave you your voice, dont forget that."

the quality doesnt matter. my soul cries out. i sing because the rocks cannot. my throat hurts, my voice isnt all there, i cant hit every note. but i dont care.


it is nice to be at peace with you...

that is what matters.

what is my goal in life? to be a man of God. after that, everything will be sorted out, because He already has a plan. #1 priority has been made. no one else matters.

until it is His will.


so am i distant? maybe. but thats what i need. distance from the world, which has pulled me down all my life, will allow me to come closer to the God who has been waiting for me to come back.

any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days

But I'm not going to break and I'm not going to worry about it anymore
I'm not going to bend, and I'm not going to break and I'm not going to worry about it anymore
It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy

I am not worried I've done this sort of thing before
But then I start to think about the consequences
Because I don't get no sleep in a quiet room

Kindness falls like rain

It washes me away

now i can see the trouble in your eyes
and i can see the smiles disappearing
and i know there is more to this life than the things i keep fearing

so lets not worry about the things that we cant change
because we've got so much to be thankful for

i know the sun will shine again

but until then ill be dancing in the rain



any and all comments or responses are welcome at dabele@wm.edu

Songs of the moment:

Howie Day "Numbness for Sound"

Josh Groban "You Raise Me Up"

Matthew 9:37-38 "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field."

i begged you not to go,
i begged you, i pleaded